Day 50 - First Contact

June 23^rd

            It’s been almost two months since I arrived in Alaska. I’ve been working on a fishing boat almost the entire time I’ve been here, but I hadn’t touched a single fish until today. I didn’t just touch fish – I was covered from head to toe in blood and scales. I was relieved and excited to finally be catching fish… I wasn’t so excited about Dave screaming at me to pick the fish out of the net faster.

            I’m the greenhorn on the boat, which means I get a hard time from more experienced crewmembers (particularly Dave) – an archaic form of fraternal initiation. The purpose of which is to toughen me up, or weed me out. But under that, Dave is the kind of guy who isn’t happy unless he’s angry about something. Being the greenhorn I am the target of most of his aggression – which also happens to be his teaching technique, negative reinforcement. I’ve been scolded like a dog (Dave owns four, no children), humiliated, threatened, and made to feel guilty for going to college and not learning how to jumpstart a bulldozer. The way I see it, I have a couple different options… the first and most obvious is quit. Who in their right mind would put up with continual emotional abuse in a work setting? The other option is stay – put up with the abuse, close myself off emotionally so I’m cold and “tough.” Or stay and cheerfully remember that there are things in this world I cannot change, I cannot change Dave. He is going to act out his dated emotional programs he learned growing up and there’s nothing I can do about that, and as much as he tries to intimidate me he has no control over me. So I simply remind myself of the things I do have control over. I have control over myself, my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings, I can choose to let Dave into my head or not.

            I’ve been reflecting back on my past teachers, and the ones that stick in my mind are the ones who used positive reinforcement to teach. They encouraged me to take chances and stretch my comfort zone. Even when I failed over and over they encouraged me to try again and again. So the lessons I find myself drawing on while stranded on a 32-foot boat in Bristol Bay are those of encouragement and determination with a great desire to purchase my own video equipment and put the education that didn’t teach me how to jumpstart a bulldozer to use.