Day 58 - Yes "Sir"

July 1^st

            Dave and I have too similar personalities. We’re both prideful and stubborn. I like to have control over my life and he likes to micro manage everything and everyone around him.

            Our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I simply ignore him unless we’re fishing because any attention I give to him he takes as an opportunity to try to make me angry by insulting me somehow. When I’m ignoring him he storms around slamming doors and cabinets. Whenever I make an attempt to participate, Dave will step in, try to take over and tell me that I don’t know how to do anything. I’ve been trying to be civil. I’ve been trying to be nice… My father recently pointed out to me that I don’t like confrontation. He’s right, when I can avoid using anger or loud voices to “communicate” I do. I prefer looking at a situation from a collected point of view, logically, and let it be – rather than getting upset about something I have no control over. The trick is maintaining a positive attitude. We’re here on this world together, we’re not sure to what purpose, and eventually we’re going to leave this world – something we have no control over – so why worry? Worrying just brings unnecessary stress to an already uncertain existence. Dave’s primal animal does not agree with me… he needs some kind of hostility in his life to feel comfortable. I’m sure it’s a survival technique he learned growing up. If I don’t appease him with hostility I just end up making him angry. So I’m stuck between being my optimistic, un-confrontational self, and letting my anger bubble over to appease Dave’s primal instinct. I don’t like the way my anger makes me feel. I put that person away a long time ago because he wasn’t doing me any favors.

            One thing is for sure… as soon as my contract for this salmon season is over I’m getting off this boat. I should have known when Dave said he’s been doing this for 25 years and he’s hiring a completely new crew. After talking with other deck hands who have more experience with Dave than I do, I found out he talked to them about working for him – they all said there was no way they would do it.

            So here I am, stuck between being myself and not caring about what anyone else thinks, and unlocking my angry side (even if its just for show) to appease someone else’s outdated emotional program. I know that being my optimistic self will continue to piss Dave off – so if I continue to act that way am I trying to make him angry? I don’t like to think that I’m that kind of a vindictive person. But then again I shouldn’t give up my beliefs – no matter what.